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Courage

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“Courage”

Original Artwork By Elicia Ward 

From one sentence on a blank canvas, to the discovery of self reflected back to me. As I write, the words drip with grief, exhaustion, confusion & more pressure than ever, but I continue on. This is courage. I am uncertain what will be. How things will unfold & what will come of me, but I continue on. This is courage, courage is done blind.
I’m determined not to be beaten by life but optimism fades whilst life beats me down. I do question ‘why?’, & my higher self rants about the lessons I’m here to learn. A shame learning is so painful. A shame so much energy is given to people who have harmed me, but this is where the work is & this is what needs to be addressed, so this is me addressing. Courageously facing all within, in hopes to piece together a pathway out. I wish to be whole & complete; the soul before all the harm, but I know too well this cannot be. So for now this is the starting place. I shall start with courage & for once, I just want hope to be fulfilled in permanent ways so that I can leave these patterns behind once & for all.

These patterns & beliefs I’ve carried & I have been repeating my whole life. Each time I improve dedicating myself to study, healing & release, but the cycle repeats, & each time the harm escalates but with a higher cost. I do fear existing at all, for I know I believed I had addressed these things in the past.

My mother taught me I was responsible for her emotions, to be hyper vigilant, & to anticipate her moods. I was responsible for  fixing her problems, she never taught me to love or value myself, she expected me to take care of her.

I was blindly in search of love to fill the void within. Love was never a feeling I got as a child, so instead of love I was met with pain as this is all I knew. I spent my life trying to prove I was worthy of love to a bunch of people who didn’t matter, care or deserve to be near me. A heart aching awakening.  
From here I cut all ties with all content of harm with my mother & her foolish selfish ways. I get people say she didn’t know better.. but I know she did, she didn’t care, she chose not to care about me & how I felt above her own needs, & no matter what words fall from her mouth she knows this to be true in her heart & she will have to live with the realisation of this & carry this truth with her for the rest of her days.
Sometimes it is best said blunt. I’ve carried the punishment of her selfishness my whole life to date. So if she doesn’t like the words here then she shouldn’t have done the behaviour, or at least you’d think her apology would be said sober to my face. It doesn’t matter anyway, I accept her for who she is now. But I will admit today I’m pissed off with her about it.

By Elicia Ward

Acrylic Paint on Canvas

H 455mm x W - 455mm